Friday, August 26, 2011

An End And A Beginning

This is the last Friday in August, and I find myself in a strange sort of place.  A middle ground of sorts.  We've certainly enjoyed our summer, but I am definitely ready for fall.  For cooler weather, football, shorter days, mellow sunshine, cute cardigans and scarves.  But I sort of don't want fall to be here either.  Because it will be a year ago this fall that my mom went into the hospital and started the horrible, downward spiral.  Up until now, I can think back to a year ago and remember when life was "normal", when we were living our carefree lives together, not worried about the future. But when fall comes, and then winter, I will have to remember our cold, anxious days in the hospital.  The roller-coaster of paralyzing fear and hopeful expectation.  The long days spent sitting in a stale waiting room, or sipping a cup of coffee in the hospital cafe, or watching my mom struggle to breathe.  I am fearful that my good memories will get swallowed up by the bad.  I am fearful that I will forget what my mom was really like, but only remember her in a hospital bed.  It has almost been four months since she died, and with each month's passing, I feel a growing empty chasm between the day I last saw here alive and today.  With each day it grows wider and darker. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that there was an end.  An end to an era in my life.  An end to my life with a mother.  I sometimes get stuck in the end, in the growing void, feeling worried and sad.  But then I remember that this is also a beginning, a beginning of a new chapter in my life.  It is not a chapter I would have written for myself, but God ordained it to be, so I can lift my head and embrace this new beginning.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. "  Philippians 1:6 


Susan S said...

God bless you sweet Emily. I believe your Mom is very proud of you.

Maria Rose said...

You are such a very strong woman. I am in awe of your grace and faith as your grief unfolds. For what it is worth I think you are truly remarkable.