I Needed To Hear Her Voice

I have approximately 2,574 emails sitting in my inbox. I am terrible about getting rid of them. I have this fear that as soon as I hit "delete" I will need that particular email again. Sometimes I have to scroll through pages and pages of emails to find one that I am looking for. There's probably a better system, but sorting and going through all those emails is pretty low on my priority list right now. Anyway,  a few weeks ago I had to go all the way back to 2010 looking for a certain email.

And there it was.

Sitting there like a little hidden treasure.

Not the email I was looking for, but an email from my mom.

My mom went into the hospital for open heart surgery on November 2, 2010. She stayed there until May 2, 2011 when she was discharged to go home. We knew the end was near, but we had no idea how near. She died suddenly at home the next day, May 3, 2011. During her long hospital stay, she had a tracheotomy for much of the time, which prevented her from talking. She kept a notebook and pencil on her bed at all times so that she could communicate by writing. But when we couldn't be with her at the hospital, there was no way to talk to her directly. As a solution to the problem, my dad and I ended up buying her an iPad so she could email us whenever we weren't there. It ended up being a perfect communication tool for us, and I remember the short period of time where she and I were emailing daily. It made us feel "normal" for a little while, even though we knew she had a long road to recovery.

So back to the email.

It startled me to see my mom's name in my inbox list. It was as if she were sending me a message. My throat instantly started closing up and my eyes stung with tears. I can't tell you how much I have wanted to talk to her or hear her voice again. How many days I have wished the phone would ring and she would be on the other end. It is a deep, painful longing that I thought would never be satisfied this side of heaven.

I opened it up, and here's what it said:

My dear Emily,

      Iread your email and wish so much that we could go to lunch.  I promise we will.  I can really begin to see some light. I am going to work as hard as I can to get well as soon as I can. I found your blog today and am overwhelmed with your love and maturity.  You have no idea how proud of you I am. And I have 3beautiful grandchildren who need me.   I hope you get medicine and get well soon. Sleep well tonight. Know that you are loved.

       I think God is teaching me to rely on Him and not myself. I am learning how weak I am in myself,but He is the creator and sustainer. It is in his strength only that I can face the future.

Much love,

Mom

PS  Decide where you want to have lunch.

I sat at my computer and just cried. It had been awhile since I had a good, cleansing sob fest, and I needed it. Here I was thinking I would never hear from her again. But I did. Not in the way I wanted, but in a way I needed. I needed to be reminded that she loved me, that she was proud of me.  One day, I'll hear her voice again. Until then, I think I'll print this off and tuck it away somewhere so that every now and then, I can be reminded of her unconditional love for me. It's not a loud booming voice, but more of a whisper.  

And I'll take it.

My mom and me