Sunday, December 4, 2011

Homesick


I had a dream about my mom last night.  It was so vivid and so clear that I woke up a bit panicked.  In the dream I was with my mom standing in the kitchen of our old house, the home that I lived in from age 10 to age 22.  My mom was vibrant and healthy looking, and she was pulling out all kinds of things from her kitchen cabinets and handing them to me saying, "Here! You can have these!"  While she was handing me things like place mats and mugs and napkin rings, I asked her, "Why are you giving me all this?"  She looked at me and smiled and said, "Because I'm going away."  And in my dream I instantly knew that she wasn't going away on a vacation or extended trip.  I knew she was going away to heaven.  I started begging her to stay, but she kept reassuring me that she had to go.  I eventually closed my eyes, clenched my teeth and screamed like a child throwing a fit, "STAY HERE AND FIGHT!"  But she just calmly said, "I can't."  And then I woke up.  I woke up tense and had to sit up and take some deep breaths.  I haven't had very many dreams about my mom since she passed away, so this took me by surprise.  And as a result I have found myself thinking about her a lot today, longing to see her again.  

And then I heard a song on the radio this afternoon and the lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks.  They SO perfectly capture how I've been feeling as I have been walking this road of grief for seven months now.  

"Homesick"
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry 
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still so far away from home

In Christ there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold on to Jesus, with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes, and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

2 comments:

Maria Rose said...

Such a beautiful song. I think it is amazing how articulate you are about this process of grieving. I think it serves as a reminder that people don't heal from a loss in a week, month, year. I am so thankful that you have such strong faith to help you carry the burden.

Susan said...

Sweet Emily, I have tears running down my cheeks. I know you are ok; you are in the palm of God's hand. Still, I am so sorry you have to endure such pain.