Hello? Is this thing still on? It's been a few weeks since I have felt like sitting down to write something here. Let me just jump right on in and say that I have been in a deep emotional pit these last few months. How did I end up there? I'm not sure exactly, but here's what I know: 1. For six months I saw my mom deteriorate and suffer in a hospital room. I saw things that I have not wanted to go back and revisit in my brain, so I have "stuffed" those memories to a dark mental corner where I didn't have to think about them. 2. My mom died sixteen months ago. Coupled with the images of her slow decline, I chose to again just not think about this as much as possible. 3. For the last year I have been trying not to process my loss too much. Mostly I just shove my feelings aside and press on as best as I can. 4. Some events that happened this summer caused me to have to deal with some issues and feelings that I have been avoiding. 5. I emotionally bottomed out.
Now, before you think I am completely crazy, please know that I am doing SO much better right now. And I know that writing about my grief here on my blog has been extremely helpful (so helpful it has given me a new idea for something in the future, but more on that later....). But because the events that have transpired over the last few months involve other members of my family who read this blog, I haven't been able to write openly about my feelings lately. Feelings of anger, sadness, disappointment, pain, loss, unmet expectations, and fear.
The fact is, I needed more than the short break I gave myself back in July. I have needed to take a much longer blog break so that I could deal with some things. Two weeks ago, I had a breakthrough. I had just finished spending an hour reading my Bible and praying when I walked to my mailbox and discovered a letter. Before I get into that, let me say that I have been studying the book of Genesis this fall. The word "genesis" is Hebrew for "beginnings." I have been praying and asking God to help me accept this new beginning in my life. In January, my dad is getting married. This marks a very new beginning for my family. So back to the letter....When I opened the envelope I discovered a letter from my soon-to-be step-mother. It was very sweet and very honest. She expressed her desire to want to have a good relationship with me and my family, not as a mom-replacement, but as a friend.
In the weeks since I received that letter, I have felt a big weight come off of my shoulders. It has literally opened a door for communication between us, and it has alieveated my fear of losing my dad in all this new change. In addition, I have started seeing a counselor on a regular basis to talk through things. It has also been a big help.
I am starting to feel like I am back on steady ground. I know there will be some challenges ahead as the wedding date draws closer, but I feel so much better about where things are right now.
So that's me right now. Alive. Breathing. Thankful.