I love this photo of my mom. It is one of my very favorites. She looks so young and healthy. Key Word: HEALTHY. This was before cancer. Before that horrible, evil villain came and stole my mom away from me. Because if you trace back all of her health problems, they all lead to that awful, five letter word.
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Is there a better way to cool down on a hot, humid, 93 degree May afternoon than to run through the sprinkler? I think not. That is exactly what my little ones did for hours this afternoon, each time through the water squealing with delight. They ran and played and raced and splashed until they were nearly delirious with exhaustion. After dinner, they fell into their beds and went right to sleep. What did I do while the kiddos played? I sat in a chair, chatted with my friend, and felt the sweat drip down my face. Next time I think I'm bringing my swimsuit too. Bring on Summer!!
When we arrived in the cemetery, they asked a lot of questions. They wanted to know what the headstones said and if we were walking on dead people (remember, they are only six!). We tried to respect each question and answer each one as best as possible. They also had lots of questions about Heaven and we were able to talk about that as well. After choosing which flowers to place near the gravesite, we sat in the grass and all shared some memories of my mom. The girls talked about how much they loved it when Grandma read books to them. And they brought up how much fun we had at Robbers Cave last summer. I talked about how I would miss cooking with my mom and the blueberry-walnut cake with lemon icing that she made me every year on my birthday. My mom's sister said she would miss planning all the family gatherings together. The two of them always planned out who would cook what; they made each holiday memorable (and delicious!). I teared up several times, but I held it together more than I thought I would. In the end, I'm really glad I went. In fact, the heaviness of the day lifted, as if I could breathe easier again. 
This is a much anticipated trip for me because I am going to finally meet my friend, Maria Rose! She is a dear friend of mine, but we have never actually met face to face. For nearly three years our friendship has developed through the blogosphere like modern day pen pals. And now, we are finally going to meet face to face! I am so excited to get away (I'm flying on my own, so I'm relieved of mom duty for a few days), and to explore a part of the country that I've never been to before. But more than anything, I am most excited to spend some time with my friend (and her family!!). I can't wait to make some awesome memories! Oh and check out Maria's blog and her mom's blog. They are both such amazing writers, artists, and crafters! 
One of the tasks that I will help my dad with this summer is going through my mom's things-- her clothes, jewelry, sewing/crafting supplies, photos, etc. It will be a monumental task because 1. She has a lot of things to go through and 2. I fear my heart might break as I have to decide what to do with each thing. I have a fear that as I let go of her "stuff" I will be letting go of her. The logical part of my brain says, "That's ridiculous!" but my heart says, "I don't know if I can do it!" I know that going through everything is all part of the healing process, and hope I will be ready for the challenge. Thankfully, we are in no rush, so we can take our time and move at whatever pace we can handle.
May 2010
Back in 1993, I remember watching a movie called Shadowlands starring Anthony Hopkins and Debra Winger. The movie tells the tale of love, loss, grief, and return to joy in the life of C.S. Lewis. Lewis fell in love with Joy Gresham later in life, and was married to her for a short time before she died of bone cancer. He later wrote a book entitled A Grief Observed which I plan to read as I go through my own journey with grief. 
Rach and me tonight. Notice her super cute new haircut!
We are all dealing with grief differently around here. But thankfully, we are all doing so quite respectfully. Leah is my peacemaker. She wants everyone to just "be happy and think of all the good things about Grandma" while Hannah is more of an internal processor. She remains quiet on the outside, but on the inside she is thinking through things and occasionally she will let a few tears through. Mike is my rock. He is doing an awesome job taking over a lot of the responsibilities of the house, but is also a shoulder for me to cry on. He is grieving in his own way because he too lost someone close. My dad and I are talkers. I want to talk things out, share stories, laugh, cry, and reflect. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and it feels good for me to cry when I need to! 
Today is my dad's birthday. We went to my aunt and uncle's house to celebrate. My dad's sister is a fabulous cook and we had a yummy dinner followed by some delicious rum cake. My cousins and their wives both came and my mom's sister too. (excuse the blurry camera phone photo. my good camera is still at the lake house, remember?) 
*My dad read this yesterday. It was simply amazing.
It is 10:00 p.m. in the early 1990’s at our home at 11101 N. Ann Arbor. The telephone: RING, RING, RING.
I was working in the oilfields in Liberal, KS. We did not like being separated, but Barbara was determined to pursue her career as an elementary school librarian. She loved books. She loved children. She loved children’s books. Working for an oilfield service company, you weren’t going to be home much anyway. She had decided not move to Kansas, but stayed at home and became one of the kindest, most dedicated school librarians ever. The library at Eastside Elementary was in poor shape; not enough books, old worn out books, little organization and no inspiration for reading. The school was in a poor neighborhood. Barbara applied for grants to buy books, poured over book reviews, set up reading programs and arranged visits by celebrity guest readers and authors. But most of all through taking a loving interest in the children, she turned that little library around. Not a glamorous job, but one that needed to be done. Barbara always did what needed to be done. That library was her source of inner pride. She could have moved to a school closer to home, but that was her library. It wasn’t about the Barbara who had always followed her big sister. It wasn’t about the Barbara who had always followed her husband. It was about the Barbara who always followed her Jesus.
So I worked away from home. At that time, 15 days on and 5 days off, 24 hour call.
The last day on - we went off call at 12:00 p.m. If I was not on a service call that last day, you can believe at 11:00 p.m. I was on the road for the 4 hour drive home. I could not wait - for morning to get home to that sweet, gentle lady.
We were separated this way for several years. We made up for time apart on my days off by taking short trips - often to such exotic places as Canadian, Texas to see the certified largest cottonwood tree in Texas and drive 20 miles down the caliche south river road to visit the old Mobeatie jailhouse museum, or to the beautiful Kansas flint hills to see the Cottenwood Falls courthouse and its spiral staircase allegedly carved from a single walnut tree and visit the Knute Rockne plane crash museum.
We went bird watching together. Not too exiciting? Well have you ever seen a male painted bunting singing from the top of a hack berry tree in the morning sun. One of gods purest singers in a most dazzling feathered array of purple head, red orange breast and iridescent green back or the brilliant crimson flash on the head of the tiny ruby crowned kinglet. We shared and cherished those moments. She loved God’s beauty on display.
We had been dating for a short time when she invited me to her parents house for a dinner. She made a from scratch, roll your own crust, peel your own apples pie. Fruit pies were my favorite dessert and this was the best I had ever had. My mind was set, a pretty girl with the fringe benefit of those pies for life.
Did my best to charm that girl; even took her and her little brothers Richard and John to the Rush Springs watermelon festival.
Barbara, like eating those pies, our life together has been delicious, but now the plate is empty.
You are not - here; no more pies, but I just can’t wait to see you again.
Oh, yes the telephone. We would call and talk on the phone to stay in touch, but we couldn’t seem to limit our conversations and in the time before cell phones and unlimited long distance we didn’t think we could afford the extra charges every night, so most nights I would call and let the phone ring 3 times, hang up, wait a minute and Barbara would call back and let my phone ring three times. RING, RING, RING. Our signal.
I , LOVE, YOU! Good night - my dear, sweet wife.
*My sister-in-law, Tracy, read this out loud for me today at my mom's memorial service because I didn't think I could physically do it without crying. She did a fantastic job.
Mom.
Yes, the word “Mom” is too short for all the amazing qualities my mom displayed in her life. Books couldn’t contain all of her stories and her acts of kindness. She left giant shoes for me to fill. I pray that I become the kind of wife and mother she was.
Proverbs 31:29-31 says,
but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
And let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”
Mom, in my opinion, you have surpassed them all. It is my honor to be your daughter, and I thank God every day that he gave me the gift of you as my mother.
Good-bye, my precious Mom. I love you, and I will see you again one day.
We're home! We were able to take a wonderful, quick weekend getaway to my aunt and uncle's house on Lake Tenkiller. Usually we go every fall, but this year we were able to work out a weekend in the spring. We had great weather on Friday and Saturday, then winter decided to return today with rainstorms and very chilly temperatures. No matter though. Whether we were outside enjoying the sun or inside watching the rain fall in the woods, it was beautiful either way. 
